Broken-up Plastics Are Everywhere. Researchers Finally Know Why

Researchers from around the world have announced a shocking new discovery that explains why degraded plastics are everywhere. Over the last few decades, plastics, and microplastics in particular, have been discovered everywhere — in the oceans, rain, and hurricanes; inside our bodies; in the food we eat and the water we drink. Until now, this has been blamed on the widespread use of plastics in modern society, and especially on plastic waste that has not been disposed of properly. However, new research has discovered the true cause.

Researchers hail from all seven continents

Since plastics are everywhere around the globe, it was necessary to have researchers from all seven continents participate. They include:

Researchers have long been puzzled by the ubiquity of plastics throughout the world. Lead researcher Dr. E.G.G. Head stated, “Plastics are everywhere. I mean everywhere! They’re on the Dark Side of the Moon, they’re in Kashmir, the Toys in the Attic had some, we even found them one Night at the Opera. They’re inside of people, too. There’s Rubber in your Soul, they’re on your Sticky Fingers, and, frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if there were plastics where the sun don’t shine.”

Polymer degradation reaches levels thought impossible

While it is not unexpected that polymers degrade in the environment, new discoveries announced every week show that the extent of the degradation is at levels previously thought impossible.

Researchers first tested a novel hypothesis for the source of the massive dispersion — Elvis. According to Dr. I. M. Natsosmart: “We know that even in death, Elvis was still found everywhere. People saw him at a Burger King in Kalamazoo, he was an extra in Home Alone, and most recently was seen at Legoland in California. My lab tech Joe reads the World Weekly News a lot and had the idea that maybe Elvis was just tossing microplastics everywhere he went, sort of like a modern-day Johnny Appleseed. He was probably at Legoland to stock up.” The suspicious minds of the researchers soon gave up on that hypothesis, dropping it like a hunk, a hunk of burning plastic.

One misguided researcher explored a possible connection with James Brown. Dr. Misheard Leerics explained: “I figured it out. The Godfather of Soul was always singing about how his Papa’s got a brand-new plastic bag. Now that I’ve got that solved, I’ll go back to studying Bob Dylan. I still don’t know why he sings, “These ants are my friends, they’re blowing in the wind.’” Dr. Leerics’ results were published as a minority report.

The eureka moment

The puzzle as to what was breaking up so much plastic was finally solved with a palm-slap-to-the-forehead. “It was so obvious,” exclaimed Dr. Obbvy-Us. “The answer was right in front of us the entire time. It’s the namesake co-founder of the Plastic Ono Band — Yoko Ono. It’s all her fault. She broke up the Beatles, and now she’s breaking up all the plastic. It all clicked when we heard her sing, ‘Give Piece a Chance.’”